July 28, 2012

So Much Doing It Yourself (on an Emotional level)

The expression Do It Yourself has new meaning to me. I know that sounds silly since I'm someone who always wants to have-a-go at most projects and ideas myself, without a professional's input or much help beyond lifting heavy things.... (cause I'm not buff)  But today, I see DIY differently. A lot has happened.

Where I am in my life right now, I am very much doing it myself.
In March I decided I wanted a divorce. On May 1st the divorce was final, and within a week I was living alone and "doing it myself".  This process of finally deciding to divorce, doing all the papers myself without a lawyer, and the heart wrenching finality of it all has been the hardest and longest thing I've ever had to do... People keep telling me how strong I've been, and frankly, I've never felt weaker and more falling apart. This kind of explains why I haven't managed my measly one post a month on my blog for a while. (I'll get to that)

I don't "put myself out there" any more than necessary, but I am the type of person who likes to help others, and today of all days, after a conversation with someone very close to me, I realized, I think I need to share some of this heartache. Not in the sense that sharing makes the burden easier for me, but in the sense that sharing helps others in a similar situation; to see and feel they are not alone. Surely my discomfort that is paid for, should be available to others for free.

Talking to someone when you feel and think SO very many things, really helps you process what is going on. And if there is any main lesson I learned from all this, it's that I need to help myself understand what I'm feeling.  All these feelings don't have words... they are feelings. And for ME, feelings don't make a whole lot of sense. I NEED what I'm feeling to make sense to my mind, that's how I function, so putting words to feelings for me is vital.

And how do you do that? Put words to feelings that you can't really grab hold of.... You find someone you trust, and you TALK to them. Someone who isn't involved in the situation, who won't take your side, who won't just sit there telling you "you're right". Cause you don't need to feel right, what you need is someone who will say things that will open your mind to new thoughts. If you are at a point of needing to talk to someone, you need to stop driving in a circle... You need to find a few forks in the road, and having a close impartial friend is the way to do that.

I also have learned how great it is to have a friend that will say to you "stop being a pussy". This is a very harsh thing to have said to you, but you would be surprised how helpful it is!  Makes you blink a few times.... before you believe what you've heard, but the weight of "being a pussy" is enough to kick you out of "pussy-ness".

Here's why you need someone to talk to... In speaking to a friend, not only will they say things that you probably need to hear, but MOST importantly YOU will say things that you need to hear.  This is the KEY to moving forward. And I'm going to say it again.... YOU will say things that you need to hear.  Putting words to your feelings will be like turning on countless lightbulbs. You will suddenly start understanding what is happening, why you are feeling the way you are, and why you need to make some decisions. It will actually ALLOW you to make those decisions.  How can you know your favorite fruit is a strawberry if you've never tried a strawberry? You don't know. Just like you don't know what you have to do if you don't have the ability to process mentally what to decide for yourself.

And here is where I say Everything in life is perspective! Never forget that. I know you've heard it a million times, but genuinely.... if you suddenly "get it", your perspective is different. You go from confusion to understanding. And what do you need more than that when you are facing a struggle. The ability to understand on some level. To "get" why you are feeling what you are feeling, to "get" what you need to do, to "get" what comes next, to "get" some peace of mind so that you can finally feel better.

Now, you are probably saying, but.... Natty.... You said this was about doing it yourself.....
And guess what, It all has to be done by yourself, but you NEED people to help you do it yourself. You are still doing all of it alone, nobody can go through it for you, you're the only one dwelling, thinking, figuring it out, feeling lonely, making new choices, and likely crying. Those tears can't be cried for you.

I'm learning what it is to be alone. I chose to be alone. I wanted to divorce, I chose not to have children, I have made my bed, and here I lie.
That reminds me of a song...

Bonnie Hayes wrote it , and Bette Midler sang it:  (Bed of Roses)

Long, long ago, where the tall grass grows
and the still air is sweet with summer flowers;
in the shade by the stream I would lie awake and dream,
and in dreaming I would while away the hours.

Long, long gone yesterday,
and the castle and the prince and the God to whom I prayed.
Well, I made, and I'm gonna lie in this bed of roses.
I'm tired of trying to be free.
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my bed of roses.
Bed of roses I believed my life would be.

Well, I wasted years,
all the useless, bitter tears.
If I'd known I'd have stopped it at the start.
I knew life was long,
and I knew life could go wrong,
but I never knew my life would break my heart.

Dreams die harder than pride.
I have learned my lesson well.
I will put them both aside.
'Cause I made and I'm gonna lie in this bed of roses.
I'm tired and I'm dying to be free.
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my bed of roses.
Bed of roses I believed my life would be.

Roses die, and all the fairy tales are lies,
and I guess that's just too bad for poor old me.
'Cause I made, and I'm gonna lie in my bed of roses.
Bed of roses I believed my life would be.
Bed of roses I believed my life would be.

I digress...
I've been neglecting my blog AND projects not because I've been refusing or wanting to, but all this time of divorce, reflection, and "healing" (to use a very corny word) has thoroughly halted my creativity and ability to concentrate. It's been frustrating to not even be able to read. This fact has me knowing healing is necessary, and through which means I heal I can only attempt my best... Which brings me right back to speaking with very close friends.
One friend in particular has offered the most amazing light bulbs, providing the greatest comfort. I genuinely believe her severe similarities to me and her severe differences are the KEY to the conversational brilliance -learning - healing.

What it boils down to is this... Life is too hard to do it alone, even when you ARE alone. Don't let yourself spin in circles of thought getting you nowhere. Speak to someone, get out, get exercise, meditate, pray, laugh...
Consider a counsellor for even one visit, just to introduce new thoughts and input.
Ultimately it's a do it yourself job.... you have to be the one that does the growing, that finds the healing, and becomes better.
If you find yourself having to Do It Yourself, I wish you luck, - you have my love. I've been there and still am.
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1 comment:

Connie Mercer said...

I found your blog a long time ago~I loved the craetive ways you used things, or changed them up. You have so much to offer creative people like you. I sincerely hope you find your"joy" again and create~that maybe where your joy is, in creating. Wishing you all the best and more:):):) C. Mercer