July 28, 2012

So Much Doing It Yourself (on an Emotional level)

The expression Do It Yourself has new meaning to me. I know that sounds silly since I'm someone who always wants to have-a-go at most projects and ideas myself, without a professional's input or much help beyond lifting heavy things.... (cause I'm not buff)  But today, I see DIY differently. A lot has happened.

Where I am in my life right now, I am very much doing it myself.
In March I decided I wanted a divorce. On May 1st the divorce was final, and within a week I was living alone and "doing it myself".  This process of finally deciding to divorce, doing all the papers myself without a lawyer, and the heart wrenching finality of it all has been the hardest and longest thing I've ever had to do... People keep telling me how strong I've been, and frankly, I've never felt weaker and more falling apart. This kind of explains why I haven't managed my measly one post a month on my blog for a while. (I'll get to that)

I don't "put myself out there" any more than necessary, but I am the type of person who likes to help others, and today of all days, after a conversation with someone very close to me, I realized, I think I need to share some of this heartache. Not in the sense that sharing makes the burden easier for me, but in the sense that sharing helps others in a similar situation; to see and feel they are not alone. Surely my discomfort that is paid for, should be available to others for free.

Talking to someone when you feel and think SO very many things, really helps you process what is going on. And if there is any main lesson I learned from all this, it's that I need to help myself understand what I'm feeling.  All these feelings don't have words... they are feelings. And for ME, feelings don't make a whole lot of sense. I NEED what I'm feeling to make sense to my mind, that's how I function, so putting words to feelings for me is vital.

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